worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
