You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am naked and annoyed.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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