Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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