My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
