Pappa wants mamma naked
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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