All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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