do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
