I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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