I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
