Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I didn't notice because vodka
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
