Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
