you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
