theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
