So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
