I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
