I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
