This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
