he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
