the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
