Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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