the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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