so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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