There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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