She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
