I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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