Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
