shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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