She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
