Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
