He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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