Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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