if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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