I can tuck mytits in my pants
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You smell like stripper and shame
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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