Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
