Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
