I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
