3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
