I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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