Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Randomize
