Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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