im drinking this country out of the recession.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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