The maid of honor just puked.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
