Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
