After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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