i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
being pregnant is like rehab
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
