So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
