So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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