Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
