I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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