She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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