I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
